Navigating Co-Parenting with an Emotionally Abusive Ex After Gray Divorce

Today, we’re digging into a topic that I know can feel like an uphill battle—co-parenting with an emotionally abusive ex after a gray divorce. Now, you might be wondering why co-parenting even comes up in conversations about divorce after 50. The truth is, many of you still have teenage or even college-aged kids, so there's plenty to discuss when it comes to finances, school, and logistics. And if you're co-parenting with an emotionally abusive ex, those discussions can be... complicated, to say the least.

So, let’s dive into why the usual co-parenting advice often falls short when you’re dealing with a high-conflict ex and explore ways to keep your peace of mind and protect your energy.

When “Standard” Co-Parenting Advice Misses the Mark

In an ideal world, co-parenting means both parents are on the same team for the kids’ sake. But if things were rocky during the marriage, co-parenting doesn’t magically get easier after the divorce. The usual advice—finding common ground, putting the past behind you, compromising for the kids—can feel pretty impossible if your ex is still trying to manipulate or control every interaction. Suddenly, “compromising” starts looking a lot like you’re the one making all the sacrifices, and that’s exhausting.

The Balancing Act of Peacekeeping and Boundary Setting

If you’re someone who values peace, especially for your kids, you probably try to keep things calm. But with an emotionally abusive ex, those peacekeeping efforts can end up backfiring, with you bending over backward while they keep pushing. Setting boundaries in these situations isn’t just about laying down the rules; it’s about protecting your own well-being, too.

That said, boundaries with an emotionally abusive ex can feel like moving goalposts—they keep testing and pushing. Just know that it’s not a failure on your part if they don’t always respect the lines you set. Start small if you need to. Try setting specific times for communication or stick to discussing only what’s necessary about the kids. Every little bit of boundary-setting helps you hold onto your sense of stability.

Want more practice with setting healthy boundaries? Get my free guide, “Boundaries for Women Divorcing After 50.”

Taking Charge of Stress

Dealing with a high-conflict ex can send your stress levels through the roof. You might feel the urge to fight back or just get out of the situation entirely. Managing your stress response can make a world of difference, even if it’s as simple as a deep breath, a quick walk, or taking a moment to do something that lifts your mood. Keeping your stress in check isn’t about letting your ex “win”—it’s about staying grounded so you can show up as the parent your kids need.

At the end of the day, looking out for your kids shouldn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being. Co-parenting with an emotionally abusive ex is tough, but keeping your own stability intact is just as important as supporting your kids. Try experimenting with different communication strategies to keep conflict low, and remember that it’s okay to find this hard.

Finding Calm Amid Chaos

Learning to manage your own stress responses is a gift to yourself. It allows you to keep calm and centered, even when your ex is pushing buttons. It doesn’t mean you have to have everything under control—it just gives you the mental space to think clearly and take care of yourself. And just remember, you’re not alone in this. Many others are navigating the same challenges and finding their way through, one day at a time.

Remember, taking care of yourself is essential, and finding ways to protect that is an important part of this journey. If you would like to discuss how gray divorce coaching can help you, schedule a free consultation with Robin.